a new kind of normal

Things will get back to normal, you can focus on your boys.... We heard it all the time when people found out K was leaving. Now that she is gone, my normal feels upside down and incomplete. I feel like I am missing someone all the time, my house is too quiet and I catch myself starting to walk into her room at night to check in on her. My chest tightens and I feel like I can't breathe when a memory sneaks up on me. And yes we chose this, not to adopt her, however, I did NOT give her up. She was never mine to begin with. God brought this precious girl into our lives for a short period and we were so honored to be part of her story. We fought hard for her and got her help she so desperately needed. So for my sanity and your better judgement, please do not say "I could never give up my child." There is so much pain and anger that arises when that is said, and it is said more than it should be. I think most people don't have a clue how painful those words are and the words probably aren't meant in that way but that is how they are perceived.

I know I don't owe anyone an explanation of why we chose not to adopt her. I feel like that is a question that people are wanting answers to but Bryon and I made a decision that was best for our K and our family. In the end that is what is most important. K's information is private and it is not for us to share.

But what I do want people to know is the love we have for her. I LOVE her to pieces, so much that a piece of my heart left with her that day we dropped her off at her forever home. Her happiness and joy for life could fool you if you didn't know her, but in the end she needed a family that didn't have little kids.

I have A LOT of guilt about not adopting K. I fear that she will think that I just left her. I know that it was the best decision for our family and K and that is what matters in the end. Her adoptive family is amazing to say the least and has been so supportive during this time. Her adoptive mom has sent encouraging texts and pictures of K. Seeing the familiar joy on her face leaves me knowing the best decision occurred in the end. K is doing awesome in her forever home. She has older siblings who are crazy about her and a mom who gets to stay at home with her. We couldn't be happier with her forever family. We know she is loved unconditionally and in a home who loves God. Our future will fall into place one day and we can't wait to see who God brings next. I don't know when that will happen so in the mean time we will be getting used to our new normal.