that feeling again

I know this feeling, I have felt it before. The tightening of my chest, my anxiety about to explode, with the fear that if I blink the tears will start pouring out uncontrollably. We yet again have to say goodbye to another child. Our six pound little miracle will be going home to her birth mom on Tuesday. Seeing her grow the past year has been so rewarding and exciting. She has brought our family so much happiness and laughter. She is strong willed and sassy and knows exactly what she wants and doesn't want. She has this smile and laugh that just lights up a room. She is a constant joy wherever she goes and I pray her happiness continues to shine.

In Proverbs 3:5-6 it says "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Foster care has taught me to pray on a level I have never experienced before. In a situation I beg for control I have none and have to let God be in control, and if you know me I like control, in fact I love control. It brings calmness and certainty, the complete opposite of foster care. We have struggled with communication with the caseworker and have felt a little blindsided at times with decisions that were made. I have gone into mama bear mode to fight for her, because after all she is my daughter. She is mine and yet I have to say goodbye in just a few days. She is to spend the last weekend with her birth mom and I selfishly want to keep her with me so I can soak up every last second with her. But I know that is not what is best for her, so I will send the weekend packing her things and praying she is loved unconditionally and taken care of the right way.

Through this darkness God shines and brought us a blessing we get to call forever. It has been the  greatest high and low I have faced. I hurt for the child I am losing but rejoice that God brought us someone we will never have to say goodbye to. As I have learned over the past two years, God has a plan and although we haven't always understood what is happening or why, we have been diligent and faithful to Him. We were brought through these trials and joys so we could have her in the end. She will be the light that helps bring us joy when we are hurting, she won't replace who we have lost but will bring us a feeling of promise that we won't have to go through this pain again.

Proverbs 31:25 has been one of my favorite verses for the little ladies we have cared for. "She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh without fear of her future."  Although I don't know what the future holds for her or for any of my children, I know God knows and He will watch over them until He calls them home.